After yesterday (which was tough), I find myself starting today with a little optimism. Although I sent messages to the other 3 people left, missing Mum as much as I, I only received 1 message back.
At first, it hurt. I feel so alone sometimes, with my decimated family and no-one to share my feelings with. My children are too young to replace an adult and my husband is not the right person to share these memories with. Firstly, they are not his memories and secondly, every time I utter the words ‘I miss Mum,’ I know that he misses his mum too. And he had her for less time than I had mine.
No, he is not the right one.
So, maybe you are…? ‘You’ are many faceless, nameless people all over this world, but there must be some of you like me…? People who have only ever wanted to fit in, to be normal, to have a family that they can describe with pride to their friends.
Back in my childhood, although divorced families were still unusual, there were some others. Other kids being brought up by a single parent. I made friends with some of them – not surprisingly. I wanted allies.
But even with them, there was always the difference that they knew their missing parent. They might not live in the same house, but there was a relationship there. They even got to see their missing parent sometimes. Weekends away, staying somewhere else, being included in a new family set-up with step-parents and maybe even half-brothers or -sisters. On their birthdays, there was an acknowledgement (even if it wasn’t perfect: wrong present, too little money given) that this child was also something to do with them.
Oh, how I wanted that: an acknowledgement that I mattered and that my birth had meant something. The issues with my mum meant that we were not close for a long time and she often told me how I made her life harder. Now I am older, of course I understand that many words were uttered in haste and regretted afterwards. Yet, the feeling remained branded into my soul that I was unwelcome in life and all I wanted was to be normal, wanted, welcomed, celebrated.
So, turn off the tap and tell us all something else.
Nellie on the hunt for lettuce 😉
Today, the birds twittered (like yesterday) by my bedroom window as I rose and they are twittering outside this living-room right now. I wanted to add a sound file here,but my technological capabilities have gone off somewhere and so I shall finish off simply by saying that it really did sound beautiful.
Wherever you are and however your life is treating you, the world and God’s creatures are always a reminder that there is good to be found everywhere.
Night night, sleep tight.